Monday, November 08, 2004

Jesusland 2004
Liberals across the web have been having fun with the idea of Jesusland, and having the blue states secede to join Canada, with the red states consolidating into "Jesusland," with a capital in Texas. Well, they've had their fun, so I thought I'd have mine.
I created my own Jesusland/Canada map, adding Mexico because I think it will come into play as well.

Day 1: Here's the basic map, as blue state legislatures declare their secession and the remaining Congress, consisting entirely of Republican Senators and Representatives, renames itself Jesusland and moves its Capital to Texas:


Day 2: Over the next 24 hours, I expect that the counties new to Canada who remain loyal to the government of the old US, now Jesusland, would assemble their own legislatures and declare themselves exempt from the secession. Concurrently, the counties remaining in Jesusland would do the opposite, declaring themselves either now part of Canada, entirely independent, or in the case of the predominantly Hispanic communities along the Mexican border, part of Mexico. Here is the map I anticipate in that circumstance:

The same day, Mexico, realizing itself on the brink of war with Jesusland would refuse to accept the seceding southern counties, and they would then declare themselves independent nations, allied with Canada. In the meantime, the Kofi Annan will come out and declare all of the seceding counties under their protection. At the end of the day, the map will look something like this:

Day 3: The President of Jesusland, George W. Bush will issue a statement condemning the treachery of the seceding counties, and the interference of the UN in an internal conflict. He will thank President Vicente Fox for his continued friendship and that of Mexico. At the same time, governments around the world will issue statements of their own. Russia will offer whatever help they can to Jesusland's cause, as will China (though in backroom talks they will insist that any aid will be offered only in exchange for the Jesusland's assurances that they will no longer interfere in the Taiwan issue -- a request which will be denied), and Israel will support Jesusland's sovereignty. Germany, France, and Spain will support Kofi Annan's statement. The remaining major governments of the western world will condemn the approaching civil war, while recognizing the the US/Jesusland's right to solve their own internal conflicts in a peaceful manner. The map will stay static for another day as the international community discusses the events of the previous few days, and troops throughout Jesusland and Canada mobilize in anticipation of hostilities.

Day 4: As the militaries of both countries continue to mobilize to the newly drawn borders, militias spring up throughout the red counties across Jesusland, and in parts of old Canada near the new borders. These militias join up with conventional military forces, and prepare for battle. The international community continues to chatter, and the map remains consistent throughout the day, the only substantive change coming from the military bases remaining in blue territory, who declare themselves still loyal to Jesusland.

As dark draws near, skirmishes on the borders turn into broader conflict. Blue forces are quickly overwhelmed by the heavily armed red militias and Jesusland military, and by morning a new map exists:

Day 5: At dawn after the first day of battle, the Canadian government decides to abandon its recognition of the seceded counties, and asks for peace with the Jesusland. Jesusland's State Department remains silent to the request. At the same time, hastily chosen representatives of the seceding western and Midwestern regions, having negotiated throughout the day, agree to a 24-hour ceasefire with Jesusland forces. Jesusland concerned about their weakly fortified positions continue to invade the Floridian and Mississippi territories, conquering them totally, while progressing into Canada, ignoring the peace offering from that government. At the end of the day, the new map is:

The ceasefire deadline quickly approaching, and the blue areas realizing that they have absolutely no chance of survival on their own, all secessions are withdrawn, and the blue leadership asks for reentry without prejudice into Jesusland. New York City holds out briefly, but ultimate acquiesces and requests the same. As US forces continue to advance into Canada, the Canadian government increases its demands that Jesusland returns to the pre-conflict borders. These demands are again ignored, but talks for a ceasefire reach an agreement for a period of 48 hours. Meanwhile, the Quebecois Secession Party, after secret meetings with Jesusland announces that it has left Canada, and intends to join Jesusland as its 51st state.

Day 6: Following the ceasefire, Jesusland quickly renames itself the United States of America, and moves back to Washington D.C. Quebec is voted into the US, and the Constitution is hastily amended to allow only one Senator from each of the states that had seceded, and half of their Representatives are removed and redistributed among red states. Talks with the Canadian government continue, but nothing firm is reached before the end of the first day of the ceasefire. The map remains the same.

Day 7: Halfway into the second day of talks, an agreement is reached. The Canadian government, recognizing that without the second front along the blue states, the US forces could quickly overrun the entirety of Canada in a short amount of time. This puts them at a decided disadvantage, and so they are forced to make large concessions. The US agrees that it will retreat halfway back through the Canadian territory they had taken in the western portion of the US/Canadian border. They will, however maintain almost all lands seized in the Northeast, adding them to the new Quebec state. Also, US forces will maintain a strong military presence along the new borderline, while the Canadians will demilitarize to their prewar presence. Any buildup in forces not cleared with the US State Department in advance will be considered an act of war, and hostilities will resume. So, exactly one week after the initial secession, the map has become:

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yep, fun is fun. But given their combination of Canadian independence and French arrogance, I think it highly unlikely that the Quebecois would opt to become the 51st Jesusland state. And we just wouldn't want that whole bilingual hassle. Everyone knows that the unofficial second language of Jesusland -- especially of the capital in Texas -- is Spanish.
-Mikey